My Divorce is final, Now What

“the end of a relationship is the end of a home” -Yung pueblo

No one goes into marriage thinking (or wanting) they are going to get a divorce.

So my divorce is final. No, I don’t want a party. Even though this was my choice, I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of a partner, best friend, making more memories. I am letting go of an identity that was never mine.

During the process your “forever” person will show you things/reasons that make you understand why they are no longer your person.

It can get ugly, it can get dirty, it can get lonely.

Someone is going to be more hurt than the other person and oftentimes it's ego. It's not a hurt because one person left, it's a hurt that they can't believe you left them. Especially when they consider themselves the “catch”. Things will be said that can never be taken back. People's true feelings will come out.

All of your memories flash before you as you sign a simple piece of paper.

Someone who was supposed to be your person turns into a lesson.

Someone you talked to everyday you no longer communicate with.

Someone you thought was your best friend ends up being the person who disrupts your peace.

Someone you loved to gossip with is no longer there for you to call and tell the latest chisme.

Social media often glamorizes divorce. It's not to be glamorized. It's nothing glamorous. Don’t be fooled.

Divorce sucks. I don’t care what anyone says. It sucks. Things will trigger you.

But life is not promised and you only get this time on this physical plane so you have to do what's best for you. There will always be the question, did I do enough? Could I have tried harder? Could I have done more? At what point do you keep holding on to something that is making you unhappy. Something that is causing you to lose you?

One of the hardest things to do is say good bye to someone you love but it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with them because are waiting for changes that will never come.

You question if you could have done more. You can always do more. You question if you made the right decision and because it was your decision and you slowly learn things about that person you didn't know, you learn you absolutely 100% made the right decision.

When you want something the universe conspires with you to get it (whether good or bad) it makes you wonder did I get this because you wanted it? You wonder if you spoke life into your marriage.

One reason for my divorce is I didn't feel loved. I never felt that my partner loved me (Side note: what is the difference between a husband/wife relationship and a partnership?) He never told me. One time he told me if I tell you too much it doesn’t have meaning. I should have known then there would be an issue. Obviously you have to have self love, but you want a person who makes you feel loved especially when you are feeling unlovable.

Why didn’t he ask me to stay? I feel he didn’t want to ask me to stay, to do anything to make me stay, and that was the main issue. I never felt loved. He said “I don’t want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me”. I would have loved for someone to fight for me. To say don’t go. Did he not hear what I said? I need to be told I love you, told I'm pretty, some assurance, some validation.

This is not to say I don’t have fault and he is 100% to blame. I’m sure I could have done things differently but after a while, you can only take so much of not getting what you need. You become disconnected and have to decide can you do this “forever”. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter whose at “fault”. It’s my responsibility to let go of what was, what was supposed to be, and work on creating the life (including relationships) that I want, deserve, and desire.

You want a relationship that makes you feel alive. Feel valued. Adds to your happiness.

When you're not feeling 100%, you want someone who is going to make up for it and make you feel 100%. Give you that extra percentage that you need to get you to 100.

Divorce teaches you so much, not only about your soon to be ex spouse but also about your “circle”. Some will pick sides. Some will be happy you are divorced because their own life is so miserable and misery loves company. Even when you divorce on somewhat good terms, people show their truth and it can get ugly.

One piece of advice for going through a divorce is to find a support system. A real support system, not one who projects “what they would do” or “what you should do”, not one who secretly loves to see you hurt and just wants the tea. But someone who is there.

Everyday is hard. Everyday. The pain, heartache, and grief are real. The pain you feel during your first birthdays not together, your first holidays.

Remember you don’t owe anyone anything and prioritizing you is more than okay. Before you make any decisions, sit in solace, be alone with your thoughts, watch out for projections, and listen to your heart.

Thank you to the people who were there, the people who listened and didn’t offer unsolicited advice, and the people who didn’t project.

Just know there is life after divorce and it can be beautiful.

Peace and love babes.

XO,

Alisha